If looks could kill, the human race would have been extinct by 1995, because several Kathleen Turner movies had made it to television by then. We would have never stood a fucking chance. We talk about “giving great face,” but Ms. Turner invented it and perfected it.
In the year of Weird Al, 2026, The Frida Cinema is ending their celebration of the Pope of Trash, John Waters, with his classic film Serial Mom. Kathleen Turner is in her absolute element: the voice is smoky, the acting is on point, and her face – a beautiful and powerful weapon. To celebrate Kathleen, her amazing acting, her charity work, and to say “fuck you” to all the assholes who are mad at her for the terrible crime of getting older and having a disability, we’re taking a look at the top five times Kathleen Turner killed us dead with nothing but great fucking face.
The War of the Roses: Kathleen Turner kills you with a look while trying to kill you with a truck.
This was a formative movie for me, and that explains everything you need to know about the kind of women I admire and aspire to become. I’m not talking about aesthetics (though the first vehicle I ever owned was a big, red, lifted truck). She’s at her best when she’s queen bitch, and she’s the biggest bitch you’ve ever met by the end of this movie. Absolutely fucking diabolical to the last moments. Piss on her fish and prepare to get a look of death that was actually probably scarier than getting run over. 10/10 face. No notes.
Body Heat: Kathleen Turner kills you with a look while conning you into killing her husband.
Body Heat asks and answers the question: What would happen if we took Kathleen Turner’s pure, unbridled hotness and William Hurt’s mustache and made the hottest erotic thriller of the 1980s? Well, for one thing, Kathleen Turner will psychically kill you with a look (death by desire, my god, what a way to go). William Hurt and his mustache are willing to do a lot for the psychic and physical messages Kathleen sends to his poor, only human, and desire-filled body. Also, Ted Danson is in it. Does it seem almost comical to throw a chair through a glass door just to get laid? Not when Kathleen Turner is doing all of that. 10/10 face. No notes.
Prizzi’s Honor: Kathleen Turner kills you with a look as she realizes you let your godfather talk you into killing her (you dick).
I’m not going to lie to you, this movie kind of sucks. It has all the elements of a movie that doesn’t suck – a remarkable cast, a plot full of sex, crime, and intrigue, and Kathleen Turner. Most of the plot points don’t feel earned, but it is pretty easy to believe that Jack Nicholson’s character, Charley, would fall immediately in love with Turner’s Irene. I mean, come on. But like every couple that falls hard for each other in a turf war, they’re doomed. Irene seems to want to believe her new love can rise above his mob roots, but in this moment, she knows she’s been betrayed. Charley, how dare you? 10/10 face. No notes for Kathleen. Lots of notes for everyone else involved with this movie. Honestly, what the fuck was going on?
Jewel of the Nile: Kathleen Turner kills you with a look after you were both nearly killed by a dictator.
Romancing the Stone is the sweet, hysterical, and incredibly charming rom-com starring Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner, and Jewel is its cute but lesser sequel. The first film is Kathleen Turner’s Joan growing from a timid romance writer to a full-on bad bitch and Douglas’s Jack going from a full-on fuckboy to … well, a fuckboy who is in love with Joan. Jewel gives us this incredible moment where Joan calls Jack out on all his bullshit and kills him with this look that asks, “After all we’ve been through, how are you still such a fuckboy?” And I don’t know about you, but I would absolutely die if Kathleen Turner looked at me like that. Jack doesn’t die on the spot, but he does manage to get his shit together, as any reasonable man would. 10/10 face. No notes.
Serial Mom: Kathleen Turner kills you with a look after killing several of your neighbors.
If we wanted to study Kathleen Turner’s ability to act with the slightest twitch of a single facial muscle, the slightest change in tone of voice, or to terrify with a passion for rules of etiquette, fashion, and suburban life, we’d only have to watch Serial Mom. This movie is death by a thousand looks, and we love every single one of them. This film will also forever change how you hear the word “pussywillows” and keep you honest about your recycling. Kathleen Turner working with John Waters was a gift we didn’t deserve, so we ought to be grateful. Or else. 10/10 face. No notes.
Bonus: A song by Kathleen Turner Overdrive
Did you know there was a sci-fi-themed punk band called Kathleen Turner Overdrive? Now you do! There’s also an ‘80s cover band called Kathleen Turner Overdrive, who only do songs from John Cusack movies, and I find that incredibly charming. (Editor’s note: I did NOT know there was an actual Kathleen Turner Overdrive; I, for one, thought it was just the name of Barry Jive and the Uptown Five after their big debut at Rob’s Top Five Records album launch party. RA isn’t the only Cusack fan ’round these nether beyonds. -Nicole)
