Today is John Waters’s birthday. He is one of my personal heroes, and is much beloved at Dirge for his twisted mind and deliciously offbeat movies. He famously said:
We polled our writers to ask them: what books would make your panties melt if seen on a potential lovers’ bookshelf?
My Secret Life: An Erotic Diary of Victorian London
One of the original works of erotica, written by an Anonymous male source, this book explores the dark, sexy side of life in the Victorian era. Why should you bone someone who has this book? “They may look innocent, but inside, they’re all cockstands and gamahuching.” It’s been awhile since I’ve been gamahuched like a two-farthing prossie.
Delta of Venus
If the words “literary porn” haven’t already sodden your trousers, it might help to know that Anais Nin was commissioned, alongside greats such as Henry Miller and George Barker to craft sexually explicit erotica for a private collector in the 1940s. This posthumously-published collection of 15 short stories suggests that your would-be paramour has a penchant for the classic and beautifully dirty. That’s probably why they like you.
Fanny Hill: Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure
Fanny Hill was written in prison and published in 1748. It is considered the first English prose pornography, and the first to use the novel as a vehicle to deliver fap-fuel. Studied it. Learned and absorbed all the pornography until it is embedded into their very skin and you can smell it on them.
So why might you open your pants to the owner of this vintage ribaldry? Well, it was originally banned for obscenity. Not only is your prospective lover classy, they’re a little bit bad. I wonder what else they might do that is very, very bad.
Nabokov’s Butterflies
Okay, I know, but slow your Rolita and listen: Yes, Lolita is a beautifully-written book. But it is far from the only beautiful book Nabokov wrote. And, you know, sometimes people who are a little too into Lolita can come off as a bit creepy.
If you find this book on someone’s shelf, you know they love bugs and art, and Nabokov for more than just his teen fantasies.
A Clockwork Orange
It’s always a turn-on when someone has read the source material to a popular film or television show. And this is a really, really good book. So even if their interest was originally piqued by Kubrick’s worthy adaptation, they followed up intellectually. That qualifies someone for a little of the ol’ in-out in our book.
Geek Love
Alright, I’ll be honest: this book can be really fucking disturbing. But, it’s phenomenally written and, if the person you are trying to hold closer, Bony Danza, has it on their shelf, they will be empathetic to your needs. Your sexy needs. And show you who’s the boss.
Nightwood
This novel is full of yearning, emptiness, and a ton of lesbian sex. What more could you ask for? If your potential bang buddy has a dog-eared copy of this book, you’re in for some awesome sex. And probably a lot of head. Lucky you.
The War of Art
Well, this seems random. But I assure you, there’s a reason. There’s a certain sex appeal about a creative person who has their shit together. You won’t have to put up with endless hand-wringing and fretting over That Novel I’m Totally Gonna Write; this lover will slap a finished manuscript in your hand and say, “Read this, then let’s fuck.”
TANITH: A Nightmarish Novel of Demonic Possession
I’m just gonna quote our writer to explain this one: “Because if you like sexy, occult smut trash, I like you, and the sex is going to be grotesque and wonderful.”
Anything by our man, John Waters
What, did you think we would forget to include the birthday boy? John Waters has written a few books in addition to his plethora of disgusting films. If you’ve found a fellow Waters fan, run, don’t walk, to their bedroom for an epic night of dirty sexy #buttstuff.
We love you, John. Let’s make today extra filthy in his honor.
