Slime Play might sound like a fetish, but it’s … well, now that I’ve said it, I’m sure that it is somewhere. Allow me to quickly pivot because that is not what we’re talking about here today! Today, I’m talking about the sensory joy of playing with slime. As an adult. In a non-sexual context.
Why does anyone play with slime? Children love slime, because it’s gross and children are sticky and disgusting, according to recent research. According to research I didn’t make up, playing with slime can be good for you; it’s relaxing to mindlessly knead, or it can be strongly scented and textured as a gooey fidget. Of course, slime wasn’t always as diverse and evolved.
You kids today with your Slime Girls and Slime Rancher and Slime Shady. You don’t know how spoiled you are. Back in my day, we only had two kinds of slime:
The watery, green-pudding-and-applesauce made famous by Nickelodeon’s You Can’t Do That On Television, whereupon a hapless child would say the line, “I don’t know!” and then wince because ten gallons of cold slime was about to be poured directly on their heads.
Above you can see what is mostly known as “He-Man Slime” to people my age being dispensed by the Masters of the Univere Slime Pit®. When I think of slime you play with, this is what I think of, and it has survived many iterations over the years, from Masters of the Universe toy-ruiner1, to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toy-ruiner (as “Mutagen Ooze”) and I think it was also the basis for Gak, though I confess I never played with Gak as there came a time to set aside childish slimes and look to more mature slimes with much higher production value.
Like these!
Broken Heart Cake DIY Slime Kit by Momo Slimes
You get a white sculpted cake, a white slime, a gooey red blood slime, and a tiny butcher knife charm to jam in there for your inevitable social media photos. Granted most of the appeal here is visual (though I don’t hate that it’s “raspberry cake” scented), but mostly I want to squish that cake in my fist so badly I could throw up.
I know exactly what it’s going to be like and after being forced to watch the Department of Education dismantlement in realtime, I need to feel this squish through my fingers. I don’t ask for much.
$19.95 at momoslimes.com – It would need to heal me at that price point.
Raw Honeycomb Slime by Snoop Slimes
Honeycombs are one of my favorite things because they make me feral. I want to squish them between my paws and then shove them into my mouth and chew the waxy goodness like perverse natural candy. I love honey. I love the smell. I love the taste. I love the consistency of a honeycomb. If I were a druid, I would wildshape into a bear and never come back.
That’s why I chose this slime. You get a circus-peanut looking chunk of clay honeycomb, clear honey slime, honeycomb sprinkles, A BEE! You even get the honey … dipper … thing.
Per the description: “This slime features a jelly-like base and honeycomb add-ons for you to mix together. Once it is mixed, it becomes a soft, fluffy slime.”
$17.30 from snoopslimes.co – An inexplicable price but I don’t know how money works. I am a bear.
Fresh Cut Grass by OG Slimes
It’s a classic for a reason! If you’re buying this, it’s probably in the hope that is smells like fresh cut grass, and you’re in luck! This guy isn’t as busy or overdesigned as some of the slimes I’ve seen, and I included this for simplicity itself; it smells how you want it to smell, the texture is “bingsu” which I guess refers to a Korean shaved ice dessert!? And it comes with a cute little fence bunny. Lucky you.
You might be thinking, “But Jinx! You can’t refer to Fresh Cut Grass without making a Critical Role reference!”
Watch me.
$14.99 at ogslimes.com – Roughly the price of paying a gross teen to cut your grass.
Thickward by OG Slimes
This slime wins on pure wtf power. It’s thick. It smells like baked bread. It’s Squidward colored. Is it a sex thing? Is it too many memes at once? I have no idea what’s going on. Thickward.
15.99 at ogslimes.com – Not even close to the price of a single clarinet lesson.
Fight Club DIY Slime Kit by Mythical Mush Bunny Slimes
The first rule of Slime Club is that you do not play Slime Club on thE FUCKING CARPET WHAT DID I JUST SAY GET IT BEFORE IT DRIES OH GOD IT’S NEVER COMING OUT!
Let’s be real. The main reason I’m including this one is, in addition to having a soft spot for Chuck Palahniuk’s signature brand of terminally misconstrued edgelordia, that clay soap looks fucking cool and I want to get my hands on it.
Like most clay/slime combos, it seems to whip into a pleasant pink and squishy almost-foam that looks like exactly the texture I want to endlessly knead and stretch, flatten, and pull. Like untenable man-taffy.
As something of a perfumer myself, I’m intrigued by the scent profile of “Bare Skin + Salt,” and the hastened parenthetical, (No, it doesn’t smell like BO!!). Maybe it should. Coward.
Includes glossy white slime and the Selling Point (soap bar). Onion soup mix to make it a party not included.
$16.99 at mythicalmushbunnyslimes.com – We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have, to impress people we don’t like.
Pencil Shavings by PilotSlime
I’m not gonna lie, this one got me breathing hard. The scent is described as “pencil shavings” and the texture is “chewy slay x Java chips x mulch.” Fuck man, okay. You’ve got me wheezing over here like some kind of pencil pervert.
From the clay “erasers” to the mulchy texture to the satisfying yellow color I am ready to mash this in my hands. I’ve been bad. It was me who stole the handle from the pencil sharpener. Make me stay after school and squish this. Pant, pant. Slobber.
Sorry. This one just does something to me.
15.99 at pilotslime.com – A small price to pay for what I am discovering is a deep-seated sensory craving.
Salted Pretzel by PilotSlime
Much like Pencil Shavings, I had no idea I harbored a deep, animal desire to squish a fistful of warm, soft pretzel and radioactive orange cheese sauce, but I really, really do.
I love how visually impressive this one is. That cheese sauce looks real. The pretzel is incredibly colored and textured, and the accent of “salt” is the perfect touch. The texture is “extra chewy t&g diy clay.” I have no idea what that means, but I know what this means:
“Scent – fresh baked pretzel.”
Sold.
15.99 at pilotslime.com – approximately 3.5 real pretzels with a side of cheese sauce at Auntie Anne’s.
- It was also great for ruining pants, carpet, dog fur, and the emotional climate of your home.
