The taxidermy mounted on a person’s wall can say a lot about them. A deer, for example, might say, “Taxation is theft!” A grizzly bear might say, of the owner, “I have a micropenis and have to masturbate with tweezers!” A lion mount could proudly proclaim: “Burn me alive on a pyre of my own money!”
But what would a full, bearded Baphomet mounted on your wall say about you?
It says, “I eat of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. I am the serpent and the rainbow. I am all life and terror and you are going to need some novelty Hulk hands to manipulate my enormous genitals.”
But where, oh where, could you find the mounted head of the capricious, two-tittied Templar tutor? Behold: Chris Andrews has the answer to your prayers. Or nightmares.
At Dirge, we have brought you many examples of unusual taxidermy, but most of them involve actual dead animals. Andrews constructs unique, made-to-order faux taxidermy and other creepy delights out of polymer clay, wire, acrylic paint, glitter, faux fur, and whatever else is needed to fulfill the deepest fantasies of your dark heart.
Wouldst thou like the head of Baphomet to display above your mantel? Everyone will know it’s fake; there’s no way you could possibly kill this demonic idol with your supple, soft flesh and your bitch’s heart, but people will still be interested in it, if not you.
How about a Magic Fish? Now you can finally take down that Big Mouth Billy Bass, which, let’s be real, is at least fifteen times more terrifying than this piece.
A glow in the dark Satanic Priest for when you’re feeling naked and spooky and PLURR and you’re like, “I even painted my foreskin and my toenails, so we’re not NOT going out tonight.”
Lovecraftians, rejoice! I present to you, the Dream God, or: No One Will Ever Sleep At Your House Again.
There’s also a Baphomet sculpture complete with a pengina. Vagenis? Vagpeen? Whatever it is, it’s mesmerizing. Just don’t look at it for too long, because if you stare too long into the twatcock, the twatcock begins to stare back.
You can follow Chris Andrews on Instagram and Twitter. And you should, because holy shitsnacks.
All images found on Andrews’ Etsy.
