Well, friends and lovers, it’s that time of year again. I likely don’t have to tell you — because Google no doubt has made a topical logo to celebrate it — that August 30th is the birthday of Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, pioneering novelist and author of Frankenstein. Thanks to the enduring cultural impact of that novel, her birthday is also Frankenstein Day, and what better way to celebrate her legacy than to have some fun at its expense? As September draws near, why not rent a dreary villa on the shores of Lake Geneva and curl up by the fire with these, the very worst Frankensteins in history?
Ted Cassidy, Frankenstein Jr. and the Impossibles (1966-68)
This Hanna-Barbera series is a loose American remake of the seminal manga/anime series Tetsujin 28-go. It’s the heartwarming tale of a brilliant boy scientist and his best friend, Frankenstein Jr. Frankie is a remote-controlled crime fighting robot that kind of looks like Jack Pierce’s iconic makeup drunkenly slathered on Barney Rubble. He wears a raggedy superhero costume and has stitches painted (I assume) on his metal (I further assume) skin. I kind of want to bring Mary Shelley back to life just to make her sit through a couple of episodes of Frankenstein Jr. and The Impossibles. Oh, also, The Impossibles were kind of like The Monkees, but secretly superheroes.
Rory Kinnear, Penny Dreadful (2014-16)
This version of the Monster is pretty true to Mary Shelley’s original vision. Unfortunately, she was big into romanticism, so he does a lot of sulking. And self-consciously literary speechifying. This show is supposed to take place in the 1890s, pal, can it with your “thees” and “thous.” Plus, there’s the fact that he would look pretty non-monstrous if he could remember to just comb his hair over his facial scars. That might just make the emo vibe stronger, though. Just standing out there brooding in the rain with sideswept bangs, because his creator refused to drive him and Megan to Hot Topic build him a mate.
Charles Ogle, Frankenstein (1910)
People fond of the “stop remaking old horror movies” talking point might be surprised to learn that Boris Karloff’s Frankenstein wasn’t the first. That honor goes to Charles Stanton Ogle, who played the role for Thomas Edison’s film company. The film was lost for decades, with only a haunting still of Ogle in heavy makeup surviving. In recent years, the film has been rediscovered and formally released, and the results are, uh, something. Ogle’s monster is covered in a tangle of thick hair, has very long witchy fingers, and wears a tattered tunic with no pants. It’s certainly unsettling enough, but it’s not quite Boris Karloff in platforms and a boys’ size-L blazer.
Koji Furuhata, Frankenstein Conquers the World (1965)
We’ve discussed this bizarre film before, but I figured it deserved another mention here. I have to divorce my own taste from this, because what I’m about to describe is an almost impossibly terrible expansion on the Frankenstein mythos, but I still love it unconditionally. Here goes: in this movie, the heart of the original Frankenstein monster is stolen from the Baron and shipped to Japan, where it is irradiated by the Hiroshima bombing. The radioactive monster heart is then eaten by a street urchin (because you’re not going to not eat a radioactive monster heart), causing the lad to become a 65’ flat-headed caveman. He then sets about wrassling a subterranean dinosaur that’s been eating livestock. There’s a sequel, in which what’s left of his body regenerates into battling twin sasquatches.
Robert Reilly, Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster (1965)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9It2mr5hP8
In this sexy space age tale, the “Frankenstein” of the title is a robot astronaut. He’s disfigured in a rocket crash, and his half-melted, proto-Terminator face was apparently close enough for the marketing department. He’s Earth’s last hope against a Martian invasion force led by the foxy-but-evil Princess Marcuzan, determined to capture fertile Earth ladies for space sex. Their battles rage across countless pool parties and swingin’ beach shindigs, and no, at no point does anything remotely Frankensteiniean happen.
John Bloom, Dracula vs. Frankenstein (1971)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjQP_eaFVuU
Here’s a film that makes a cheapie Frankenstein Western look like high art. Don’t let the title fool you; this isn’t a long-lost 1940s Universal classic. It does involve a clash of their two biggest monstars, and Lon Chaney, Jr. is in it, but that’s as deep as the similarities run. Universal owned the rights to Jack Pierce’s legendary design, so this version of the monster is a big hulking brute with an oatmeal face. You best believe they used old flattop in all the promotional materials, though.
Robert Maillet, Monster Brawl (2012)
Monster Brawl is about a monster pro wrestling league, and I’m mad that I don’t like it more. You’d think it would be right up my alley as the world’s leading Lucha Underground fanboy, but Monster Brawl has none of that show’s charm. Its Frankenstein is played by Robert Maillet; he’s the very tall guy from that thing you saw, whether that thing was 300 (2007), Sherlock Holmes (2009), or Pacific Rim (2013). The creature design is particularly uninspired. He’s just a tall corpse with a sweater and a bald spot, so why not enjoy the movie a thousand times more by pretending he’s Peter Boyle from Young Frankenstein (1974)?
