Did your new haircut make your Grandma cry? Does your partner want to throw out your extensive collection of comics and zines about weird porn? Does your new obsession with mourning jewelry make your best friend roll their eyes like they think you’re going a bit off the rails? Maybe you shared Dirge’s article about Satanic panties on Facebook and now your family members are aggressively concerned for your immortal soul.
People who are supposed to support you can be real assholes about your identity and interests. It can be so much worse when these people are your family, because it can feel like you’re stuck with them for the rest of your life – trapped between a rock and a hard place. You don’t have to take this shit just because you love them. There are ways to deal with this without putting up and shutting up. Here are a few that might help.
1. Distraction
Sometimes it’s not so bad: an otherwise well-meaning acquaintance is trying to start a racist joke, a colleague is trying to gossip about another colleague and you want everyone to get along, or a friend is earnestly trying to tell you about their sex life and it’s squicking you out. Maybe the person you’re chatting with has started talking about something that makes you uncomfortable, but you know you can’t or won’t change their mind and it’s not worth the aggravation to try.
You feel uneasy and you want to get out of the situation, but it hasn’t yet hit crisis point. In this instance, it might just take some distraction. Hot drinks are a staple distraction technique in England.
For example:
Grandma: I don’t know how you can stand to be around those so-called “friends” of yours. The boys all look like girls, the girls all look like boys, I’m pretty sure most of them are queer and –
You: Would you like a nice cup of tea, Nanna? I was just thinking of putting the kettle on.
Grandma: Oh! Yes, please.
Other distraction techniques that seem to work include complimenting the other person’s outfit, singing Everything Is Awesome from the LEGO Movie, and mentioning that benign thing the other person can’t help ranting about (we all have at least one). If you ever want to get me to shut up about a particular topic, try “What are you reading right now?” or “How many days is it until Christmas?”
2. Assertiveness
Try to use “I” statements in a neutral voice, at a respectful distance, with relaxed body language and non-aggressive eye contact. This might be difficult in the moment, and you might feel the other person doesn’t deserve this respect, but it increases your chances of being heard – which increases the chances of them being less of an asshole to you now and in the future.
Show the person acting like an asshole that you’ve heard them (which is not to say you’ve agreed with what they’ve said); say what you think or feel and what you want to happen. Showing you’ve heard someone can bring you both to the same level and unbalance them if they were prepared to go on the offensive or defensive; saying how you feel shows that what you have to say matters, too. Using “I” statements shows you own your feelings in a non-apologetic way, and saying what you want to happen might bring about results.
For example:
Mother-in-law: I can’t understand how you can do the job you do and think you’re raising your children correctly. If you can’t see that your career as a comic book writer, alternative plus-size model, and circus fire-breather is damning your children to Hell, we won’t be coming over for your birthday.
You: As my mother-in-law I understand you have strong opinions about how my children are raised, because you want them to have the best start in life. However, when you tell me that my way of life will harm my children, I start to feel angry and invaded. I would like it if you didn’t criticise my job any further.
On another note, if you’re managing to work a career as a comic book writer, alternative plus-size model, and/or circus fire-breather, I just want to tell you how extremely cool you are.
3. Get Outta the Triangle
There’s a style of psychotherapy called Transactional Analysis (otherwise known as TA), and in TA there’s a theory of conflict called the Karpman Drama Triangle, in which there are three common roles to toxic arguments and poisonous social structures – the Persecutor, the Victim, and the Rescuer. The Persecutor says, This is all your fault. The Victim says, It feels like everyone’s out to get me. The Rescuer says, Let me help you.
Some people really know how to make you feel like a victim, even when you’re doing your best not to feel that way. Sometimes you may be feeling like a persecutor because the asshole in your life freaks out when you try to confront them about their behaviour. It’s ok – it’s not your fault, even though others might try to tell you it is. There are roles many of us have learned to fit into because of early relationships (recovering Rescuer at your service), and sometimes other people really know how to draw you into an emotional and relational place you’d rather not be in.
These roles can fluctuate: someone can be out to rile you up, making you feel miserable. One day they might really hit a nerve. You lash out because it hurt, and it made you sad and angry. Suddenly, the other person is crying that you’re a bully and they are the victim who always gets yelled at, and that you’re the one who’s to blame.
Or maybe a family member is trying to hurt you, but so far you’ve been a stone-cold badass who won’t give in. So they try to go through your spouse, and they do their best to make their lives absolute hell. You jump in to help your spouse because of course you do, and you become tangled in the role of the rescuer. Surprise! You’re back in the triangle.
These kinds of relationships are all about desperation, power, and control. It’s often because the people who try to get you to join them in the triangle don’t know how else to feel loved or important. They’ve got issues. That’s not their fault, but it is their responsibility to deal with those feelings in a way that’s safe for everyone. These roles can come up in healthy relationships, but what makes those relationships healthy is that these feelings and themes are recognised and discussed openly instead of played out reflexively.
Once you know a bit about this, it’s easier to see the roles people are playing and the roles people expect you to play. Refuse, if you can.
Remember that what another person thinks of you is their emotional stuff, not yours.
You can be assertive without being a Persecutor. You can feel upset about what’s happening without being a Victim. You can help people without being a Rescuer. Surround yourself with people who see you as an equal and treat you with respect. If they can’t, and you’re stuck with them, take some distance and reject the game they’re trying to play. Above all, look after yourself.
It might look like this:
Father: Another piercing? You always have to act out, don’t you? You need to take that thing out right now.
(Expected reaction: “I’m sorry.”)
You: I know that you feel you’re right, but I feel powerless and upset when you say things like that to me. This is my body. I’m an adult and I don’t need anyone to tell me what to do with it. I can make my own choices.
Or,
Friend: My partner is being so horrible to me right now. I never know how to handle it and you’re always so good at looking after me. Do you think you can speak to them like you did last time?
(Expected reaction: “Poor you. I’ll talk to them for you.”)
You: I love you, and I’ll be here to watch bad TV and drink cocktails with you later no matter how things go with your partner, but this is your fight, not mine. I’d rather not get involved again. You’ve got the power to make yourself heard!
4. Repeat Stuff
The above tips on assertiveness and empowerment might leave you feeling miserable and scared. It’s difficult to remain a reasonable, calm, and assertive person in the face of people who want to beat you over the head with the force of their own opinion.
Fear not, there’s a trick to being assertive and standing up for yourself while bypassing the wrath of your loved ones. People who want to change you, either aggressively or passive-aggressively, tend to have boundary issues. The trick is to make your own boundaries as clear and opaque as possible without literally drawing it in Sharpie on the floor. For this you can use the Broken Record Method.
Keep repeating your main point. And repeat it. And repeat it. Use the important words in different sentences. Try to keep your tone neutral, your body as relaxed as possible, and try not to use blaming words – you may want to and they may deserve it – but it’s a great way to make people not want to hear you. This reinforces your message, forces you to be heard eventually, and stops you from being diverted.
It might look something like this:
You: I understand that you may feel ashamed of how my partner and I present together. But I feel sad that my partner hasn’t been invited to dinner, as my siblings’ partners have been invited, and it makes me feel that we are not part of this family. I feel hurt and ashamed that we have both been excluded. I would like to be able to invite them to dinner.
Mother: You know how your Father and I feel about this relationship! We just don’t think it’s good for you to be like this. Wouldn’t you rather marry a nice accountant, settle down, and start giving us lots of grandchildren?
You: I know that’s how you feel, but I’d like to be able to invite my partner to dinner.
Mother: Why would you want to hurt and embarrass us like this? Do you want to hurt us so badly? Why do you have to ruin everything? And won’t somebody please think of the children?!
You: I don’t feel heard by you. I’d like to invite my partner to dinner.
5. Cut Ties
Sometimes you just have to walk away. It’s ok; it’s not your fault. You have to put your own safety first, whether physical or psychological. You deserve respect. You deserve to express yourself and your interests without bullshit restrictions on who you should be, set by people who are supposed to care for you no matter what. That kind of conditional love can be dangerous, and it’s not your responsibility to respect people who are cruel to you. Whether you’ve done all of the things suggested above or none of them, it is not your fault if other people have been intolerable to you. I repeat – it is not your fault.
Some people will just let you walk quietly into the night, never to be heard from again. But if they’re making you feel like you have to stay, and they won’t let you go with any decorum, you may have to make it very clear that you’re completely emancipating yourself from their assholery. A lot of how you go about this will depend on the particular strain of douchebag you’ve been lumbered with.
Sometimes you’ll need to emphasize your needs with spectacular clarity. Use whatever medium you feel most comfortable with – face-to-face, by letter, by phone, however you feel you can best put this forward. It might help to ask them not to speak until you say you’re done talking. Make it as clear as you can that you are no longer willing to put up with their abusive behaviour, and as such you will no longer be contacting them. If they argue, say there’s nothing to argue about – you’ve made your decision. They might try to tug at heartstrings, use blackmail, or attempt to frighten you, and the Broken Record technique might be useful here. At the end of the conversation/letter, state firmly that this will be the last time you will be in contact. And then run like the wind into your new life of freedom. If they try to call you, ignore it. If they email you, delete it. If they turn up at your house, get someone you trust to send them away. Try your best not to engage.
They may attempt to get in contact again after you think your ties are well and truly cut, which hurts like hell, especially if it comes unexpectedly – a wedding invitation, for example, or a funeral. It can kick up all the old emotions again, which may well be their intention, and it’s ok to feel however you’re feeling. Ignore the Ghost of Assholes, or reiterate your stance to them if you need to, but don’t get drawn back into the drama. If you’re feeling particularly tricksy and they’re trying to get in contact with you via phone, have a friend call them to say they’ve got the wrong number. Stand your ground. Feel however you feel. Remind yourself that you are far too awesome for their fuckery.
If you’re having trouble saying goodbye, try to remember that this magnitude of hurt won’t last forever. One of the biggest helping factors in achieving emotional distance can be achieving a degree of physical distance, if you’re at all able to do so. Either way, walking away is going to hurt, whether it’s a little or a lot. It may well turn your life upside down. Be as ready as you can be, go as safely as you can go, be as emotional as you need to about it, and try to do things that make you feel happy and strong, even if it’s just taking a few hours a week to do something calm or fun that’s just for you. Explain to your support network what’s going on. Remember that looking after yourself is not an indulgence, but a necessity. And keep being the awesome you that you know you are.
6. Be Yourself and Take Care
You are a valuable and awesome constellation of identities, interests, and idiosyncrasies. There are people who will try to make you feel bad for being who you are – but, really, how could you be any different? Are you going to hurt yourself, to twist yourself into knots, to please someone who doesn’t want you to be you? You shouldn’t have to deny yourself that weird novel, that knowledge about butt sex, or that crush on a certain sex clown. Who gives a shit about anyone who doesn’t get that about you? To hell with those guys.
Being who you are in the face of opposition can be horrific. But if you stay true to yourself, you can live.
You deserve respect from yourself and others. Love those who love you, above all, love yourself. Stay safe, dare to be yourself, and don’t let the bastards get you down.
