By now you’ve seen the “ovipositor” and read all about people inserting that rubbery nightmare into who-knows-where to deposit gelatin eggs deep within their person, because there’s always room for Jell-O.
In your butthole.
Anyway.
The weird world of novelty penises goes much deeper (wakka wakka) than you might expect. I’m here to help you push past the pain threshold and milk your imagination with companies like Bad Dragon – creating custom toys for those who desire something a little different (awesome?). Some people like their rabbits and fleshlights; others prefer Stan the T. Rex and Janine the Dragoness.
Oh, no. Don’t you demure and clutch your pearls! There are enough of you turned on by this for a company like Bad Dragon to have been around for almost a decade. So you will sit there, Pervy Perveson, and you will check out six of the more “creative” dildos out there.
The Tentacle – Bad Dragon
Ever wonder what it would be like to star in your own hentai? Of course you have. And you can customize the firmness, color, size, and more.
Bruce the Shark – Bad Dragon
Ever been sitting there, watching Shark Week, and found yourself in a masturbatory frenzy? No? Well, good for you. For the rest of us, there’s Bruce the Shark to scratch that deep, bifurcated itch that traditional land mammals simply cannot. He even has his own backstory.
Did you know that sharks have two penises? Now you do. Now we all do.
The Werehorse – Exotic Erotics
Exotic Erotics has a Werehorse. Which, I suppose happens when a man is bitten (or kicked?) by a horse infected with, what would you even call that? Hippocathropy? Jesus.
Not only does Exotic Erotics sell realistic life-size replicas of animal genitalia, they make a rubber dick that a mythological horse-man (a werehorse, to be clear, not a goddamn centaur) might have. Never has non-traditional cryptozoological genital speculation felt so much like love.
The Treant – Exotic Erotics
Remember when you came back from watching Guardians of the Galaxy and you just couldn’t get enough Groot?
Right. Well, Exotic Erotics also has a high-fantasy erection selection with themed fantasy sex toys from Middle Earth and more – Halfings, Orcs, Reptiles and these Treants. Maybe nobody is on Treebeard’s side, but now you can have Treebeard on your insides, and put your poontang under new management.
The Sauropod – Frisky Beast
Frisky Beast ups the ante with the Sauropod – some dino-dick for when you’re craving some Jurassic Pork. How the hell anyone knows what a dinosaur dick might have looked like is its own little ripe slice of nope.
The Euphoberia – Frisky Beast
While their options are limited, their unsettling variety more than makes up for it. They have an Iguanadon (again, who do they bring in to consult on dinosaur wangs?), Direwolves for when you want to take your Game of Bones roleplay to the bad place, and this giant centipede dildo, when you want to re-create your old guild’s first run at Ahn’Quiraj.
