If you failed 5th grade biology like we did, then you know there are only two genders: Slanks and Stanks. Slanky people are slenderonis who like slinky slanky shirts and may or may not small or large big boba. Stanks, by contrast, are big beefers who require a powerful shirt to contain them. This is all backed by ✨Christian Science✨.

Whatever the nature of your unthinkable natural wrapper, it is almost certain that when exposed to heat, your untenable flesh prison becomes dewey and vile, and thus we have invented the perfect product to allow your juicy skin to breathe while also covering your secondary sex characteristics, and therefore sparing onlookers from committing the sin of lust (and possibly onanism): a shirt without sleeves.

We carry two types, since who knows what’s going on with your randomized character textures and preferences.

Behold, the Slank Top

This cutie patootie is a 60% combed ringspun cotton, 40% polyester racerback in a lightweight jersey style that ideally suited for being hot when you don’t want to be (or if you do, whatever). It will set you back $22.99 which is a great price since basic cotton shirts now cost $500.

Sweet Smoldering Jesus, It’s The Stank Top

This guy. What can I say about this guy? This silly goose is no less than 100% cotton, while this isn’t the World’s Fair, this is your front row seat to our patented Both Front And Back technology. Not only does this incredible shirt have a back, but there is a little Dirge logo printed on it. So when people ask “Where did you get that badass pink skull shirt?” you can simply turn around. This slice of heaven will set you back $24.99, probably because there is slightly more of it, and you’ll recall the incredible