Ah, Valentine’s Day. The day where you’ll spend a fortune for a mediocre prix fixe dinner at a white candle-lit restaurant filled with seventy-somethings wearing sequined ball gowns, as if this were New Year’s in the Golden Era of Hollywood. The food is never filling enough. The cocktails are never strong enough. The centerpieces are too pink and too cheerful; this is love we’re talking about, and there’s nothing pretty about love’s heart-wrenching pain. And then there’s afterwards, when you head back to the hotel to have shitty champagne and hand over the lingerie – it’s never the right size (did you even look at her underwear tag?) or the right color or fabric. Peach satin is a difficult mistress, my dears.
Your dark Valentine wants to be ravished, but you shouldn’t have to spend your last two paychecks to do it. Instead, gift your darling or darling-to-be a card or small token inspired by the gothic, the alternative, or just good old fashioned darkness. It’s sure to be a keepsake. Who knows–when you’re both dead, it might even become the weird, romantic memento mori you’ve always desired to be cherished by your grandchildren. Or your cats. Whomever will carry on your legacy.
Together Forever enamel pin by MeaganMeli
In a world of ephemera, there is something so permanently endearing about enamel. The craftsmanship in these pins–the wiry detailing of the skeletons, lit as if they were being X-rayed or electrocuted–is beautiful, and elevates the simple heart shape into something entirely unique and macabre.
Serpent Love Valentine by Poison Apple Printshop
On sale for five dollars, this card is truly a steal. It’s a work of art, screen printed by the hand of Adrienne Rozzi of Poison Apple Printshop. This image of the serpents–beaks touching, tails entwined–so aptly communicates the delicate passion and connectedness of what it’s like to be in the throes of love.
Til Death lapel pin by Bonesandcompany
If your lover is a bit of a misanthrope, but still happens to enjoy your company (which is a miracle in and of itself for a misanthrope, isn’t it?), this honest lapel pin will communicate your love in a way that’s direct but not too humanitarian.
Be My Bloody Valentine by DM Design
These zombies are so tortured-looking it makes them cute. Another mini piece of art (you can also buy this card as a print or canvas print if you so desire), the inside is blank for you to craft your personal murder ballad–er, love ballad–to your dark darling.
STUCK ON YOU patch by catxbonecraft
If your lover has a leather jacket that’s become a work of art, you must make sure you are represented on there, somewhere. You must document your love so that when the jacket becomes another odd family heirloom, and this patch is falling off–the threads straggling out beneath the black border, the purple faded–your love will remain (sort of) eternal.
Headover Heels by Lozzy Bones Art
This poor little skeleton, dismantled due to love. Love sorta does that, you know? Discombobulates us in a way that we have no control over. Let your dark valentine know just how much their love completely shatters you… into shards of massively broken bones. You can never really be put back together again, can you?
Anatomical Heart Pin by RockCakes
Perhaps your dark valentine is a mortician? Coroner? Embalmer? No? She just has an appreciation for the more anatomically accurate things in life? Spare her the tragedy of an ooey-gooey valentine heart and gift her this pin, which she can pin right on top of her own much larger, much darker, much browner colored heart .
Heart Shaped Box (print) by spacegoth
If you two lovers have the sort of bond that would make a Victorian’s flesh crawl, let her know, albeit, a little more light-heartedly, that you love her so much you’d like to bury her alive. That’s the only way you can keep your valentine to yourself. In a heart-shaped coffin.
That’s what this card is saying, isn’t it?
We Are The Weirdos, Mister pin by Punkypins
This is sort of the male version of the engagement ring ( why don’t they have one of those yet?!). I like to call it, simply, the “mister pin.”
Sure, it’s a cute little valentine gift, but what it screams is, “He’s mine! All mine!” Those other Valentines will take the hint when they see this pinned to his chest. And if they don’t leave him alone or if he doesn’t fend them off… well, you can always accidentally stick the pin all the way through.
Till Death Do Us Part by Rifle Paper Co.
There is surely no better way to profess your love than with a gilded oath. And at the heart of it all is the ultimate oath-breaker: Death. He will ultimately undo all of our romance.
It’s always good to have a little reminder of what’s to come.
Mini “To The End” Planchette by Fiendies
Your love is either to the end–or it’s not.
Remind your Dark Valentine of what the future holds by gifting her this planchette. Each time she summons the spirits on her Ouija board, it will be your love that guides her into communication with the departed.
She also might just use it as a paperweight, and that’s okay, too.
Beloved card by Atelier Austin Press
Lest she forget her name, “Beloved,” this card will let her know. Set it at her place at the table before your enchanting, macabre Valentine’s feast of nachos and beer. It should be something really filling, you know. None of that prix fixe stuff.
Hades and Persephone embroidered patch by ReginasFrontPorch
If yours is the ultimate, tortured love story, or if you simply have a classic mythology fiend in your clutches this Valentine’s day, gift them this patch depicting the most twisted and epic “romance.”
A word of caution: don’t be too tempted to make too many comparisons between Hades’ and Persephone’s love and your love–after all, Hades kidnapped Persephone.
Hey Stud small art print by Black Dress Wild Heart
This card is like a mini version of a gothed-out Grease, which makes it so darn cute. Just look at that lipstick tattoo!
If you blow your kisses with smoke instead of watermelon-scented lipgloss, use this print to say “I like you” to a valentine you’ve been eyeing.
Desire pin by LITTLE WHIP
Lips. We all have them. But do we think of pursing them together in an awesomely pigmented “come hither” lip bulge to communicate I WANT YOU to our dark valentine? Probably not. Black lipstick can be problematic when it comes to planting those Valentine’s smooches. Not to worry, because this pin will do all of this prep work for you.
This is definitely the gift that says lust if you want to say pass on that love thing.
