There are lots of jokes on the internet about movies, or characters, or TV shows that turned someone gay. For the Millennial bisexual community (hello!) in particular, the running joke is that The Mummy made us all bisexual, for obvious reasons. While I don’t completely disagree with that assessment, I do think there are other, lesser-discussed examples that are just as potent and relevant. Submitted for the approval of the los jibbities society, may I present to you: Wayne’s World.
Wayne’s World is foundational to my life in so many ways. It’s one of my all-time favorite long-running SNL skits. Yes, the humor is that of a teenage boy, but as I was four years old when the movie came out and not much older when I was watching the sketches/movies, I can argue that the humor was semi-developmentally appropriate, even if it was way too sexual for the average child to be watching. As I’ve discussed before, my parents let us watch things at inappropriate ages, so who’s surprised I watched these movies way too often at too young an age? Of course, yes, I am in therapy now. Anyway!
These movies became integral to my life experience because when I saw the goddess Tia Carrere as Cassandra, the frontwoman of the band Crucial Taunt (they really wail), I realized I was not even close to heterosexual. When Wayne (Mike Meyers) first sees Cassandra, she is playing with Crucial Taunt at the Gasworks, but Wayne doesn’t hear what she’s singing at first because all he can hear is Gary Wright’s “Dream Weaver.” (This happens a lot.) She then gets offstage, walks into a fight between two dudes, and kicks their asses in her tiny white shorts and tall boots. In case you have never seen it, here you go:
How can you watch that and NOT fall in love with her? That is her singing. I don’t know if she’s actually playing bass, and honestly, I absolutely do not care. Though it seems unlikely as she pretends to play it … poorly, but why does that matter?! How can you see her and not immediately fall in love and/or a form of lust you don’t fully understand if you happen to be a child watching this movie at too young an age? I wanted to be her and be with her, though I didn’t necessarily know the latter consciously, the first few times I watched it. Eventually, I did figure it out, but I was confused because we also had Rob Lowe as the shitty-but-hot Benjamin, the famous executive producer/entertainment/ whatever job guy in all his early-1990s hotness.
Two people at their peak physical beauty on one screen. We did not deserve them together in the same movie, even though they didn’t end up together, in spite of Benjamin’s best efforts, though we do get a nightmare scene from Wayne’s POV where we see Cassandra looking incredible in a sparkly bikini, telling Benjamin that the night before was the most incredible night of her life. Move over, Benjamin; it’s my turn now. I’ll get the job done.
This is not to say I don’t find Mike Meyers attractive in this movie; there is something about a funny man, even if this funny man still lives at home and all his jobs have involved hair nets and name tags until his public-access TV show becomes famous. He’s not a bad-looking man! It’s largely because, when my hair is the right length and color, and I put on a hat, I look remarkably like Wayne Campbell. And, to be honest, my dad back in the day could’ve been mistaken for Austin Powers if he ever grew his hair out into a swingin’ shag. Mike Meyers just cannot hold a candle to Tia Carrere; sorry, Mike.
The other women in the movie are also beautiful! Garth’s dream woman? Gorgeous. Even Wayne’s “psycho hose beast” ex-girlfriend, Stacy, (played by Lara Flynn Boyle) is cute!1 None of these women deserve the men they end up with, but that was the magic of 1990s movie-making, baby. The ultimate moment of the movie, however, is the ending. Tia Carrere in that red lace dress singing Ballroom Blitz is maybe the hottest thing I’ve ever seen in my life?!!2
It’s almost unfair how beautiful she is in this scene. That dress! The bass! The ’90s hair and makeup, including the crispiest bangs! PERFECTION. Even next to Rob Lowe, she’s the clear winner. Sorry, Robbie. Tia wins this round and every other round, forever.3
- If you give me a present, there is a more than 50% chance I will say, “If it’s a severed head, I’m going to be very upset.” Also, when I’m frustrated about something, I will think the whole gun rack speech in my head. ↩︎
- This outfit is still on my Halloween costume list at some point, though my body is not this sick and never will be. ↩︎
- Then we have Wayne’s World 2, which I loved as a kid but don’t love as much as the first movie, though we do have Tia Carrere, again, being the most beautiful part of the movie. It was just hard to believe that a woman like her would (spoiler alert) fall for Christopher fucking Walken in the second movie. It makes sense that Benjamin would be a potential threat because he was played by Rob Lowe, but Christopher Walken and Tia Carrere?! In what fucking world is that a serious possibility?! I know looks aren’t everything, but it was such an odd combination I couldn’t suspend my disbelief over it, even as a child. Apologies to all women who find Christopher Walken attractive, but I’m not straight enough for that. (Or maybe you’re not weird enough? – Ra). ↩︎
