They’re generally large, hairy, and muscular. We perceive them as dominant and unafraid to go after what they want, when they want it. There are many different types and some are so niche that the general public has never heard of them. They are a huge part of culture, with representations ranging from friendly and cute to absolute monstrosities. We are, of course, talking about bears. No, not hairy gay men; actual bears from the Ursidae family, the kind that hibernate and live in the woods and will destroy your campsite in the mountains if you leave food around.
Bears are generally known to be scary, dangerous creatures, which is why it’s quite funny that they are one of the most popular stuffed animals for children. (Thanks, Theodore Roosevelt.) We have Winnie the Pooh and Paddington, but we also have movies like Grizzly, The Revenant (you know the scene), and Cocaine Bear. Quite the spectrum of bear representation happening, really! What you probably don’t know is that bears are actually a very queer animal by nature.
Most adult bears live solitary lives, especially males. Their mating and dating habits are harder to study for that purpose, along with the fact that, you know, they’re not big fans of humans in general. And who wants their every move observed by some stranger taking extensive notes?1 So while we might not have as much research and data on gay bears as we do on, say, penguins, there’s definitely data pointing to same-sex behavior in bears.
The most common? Lady bears pairing up to raise their cubs together! Male bears are the hit-it-and-quit-it type, so after mating, they go on and keep up their solitary lives, which is probably good because they will eat cubs if they’re hungry (or will do it to mate with the mom of the cub they’ve murdered).
What do the female bears do after the male bears have finally left them the fuck alone? They band together in groups of two or more to make a little found family to raise their children safely. While they are not necessarily sexual relationships, momma bears cohabitating in polycules together to raise their kids in safety sounds like they’re only one Subaru or carabiner away from deciding to be bicurious and/or bifurious.
What about the males? Same-sex mounting has absolutely been seen, and one study in 2014 raised some interesting results. They observed a pair of captive male brown bears who lived together in Croatia. They visited the bears 19 times, and on seven of those days, they witnessed *twenty-eight* acts of fellatio, always with the same one giving and same one receiving, and always to completion. Oh, and there was another adult male and female bear present, neither of whom were ever observed in sexual situations with these bears nor each other, which is probably good because they were brother and sister.
That study proposed that it was due to a lack of bottle feeding/socialization that led to the repeated acts of fellatio, which … sure, Jan. I think if bears (naturally loners, as we’ve discussed) often mistook dicks for nipples, they’d be extinct by now, but what do I know? I’m not a wildlife biologist. Not since the accident….
How did we end up using bear as a term in the gay community, anyway? Was it just the captivity dick sucking? Surprisingly, no! While there’s anecdotal usage of it as far back as the 1960s, it became a part of the gay nomenclature via an article from the gayest publication you can think of: The Atlantic. No, seriously. It was an article in The Atlantic in July 1979 titled “Who’s Who at the Zoo?” Sadly, none of their other zoo stereotypes became synonymous with members in the queer community, because I’d love it if marmosets, gazelles, and cygnet swans were common gay shorthand nowadays. “Look at Rupert; he’s such a cygnet today.” “I know! Check out that marmoset who just walked in.” COME ON.
Anyway, like most members of the animal kingdom, bears be doing gay shit, and we don’t talk about it enough. Too bad we have the administration we do right now, because I’d love to petition the government to do more research into bear sex and social lives. Maybe we petition it of this government and watch their heads explode because you know the only bears they recognize are the ones crashing Grindr at Republican National Conventions.
- I know some of you would LOVE this, you little freaks. You get down with your bad selves, but I don’t need the paperwork. ↩︎
